I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
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the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
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I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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