Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
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the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
They took my balls.
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There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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