my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
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Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
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I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize