The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
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There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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