So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize