well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
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and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
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her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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