I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
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Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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