The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
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I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
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I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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