It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
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The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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