I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
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Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
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no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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