So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like getting head from an anaconda
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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