Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
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She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
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He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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