The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
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There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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