Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
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I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
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Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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