It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
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Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
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Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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