Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
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Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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