when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize