Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
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you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
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Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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