how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
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At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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