Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize