i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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