the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize