it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
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Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
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how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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