Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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