i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
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my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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