I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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