I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
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My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
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Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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