a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I know her cup size but not her name....
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