Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
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He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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