I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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