you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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