no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
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Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
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Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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