I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
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there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
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wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize