I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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