Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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