dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
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I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
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I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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