I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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