Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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