I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
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I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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