Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
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she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
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I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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