How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
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I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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