I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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