His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
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just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
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This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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