he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize