Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I just burned my penis
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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