I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
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Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
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After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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