I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
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I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
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Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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