In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
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I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
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I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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