i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
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It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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