Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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